To blog or not to blog

P, a few days old. Mimicking my feelings, exactly, over the last week.

I've been sick. Silly sick. Pathetic, actually brought to tears at one point (there's a story) sorta sick. Honestly, I've very little to say about the beauties of sweat pants, yet I've frumped in them for well over a week. Blech.

I can now blog about "What to do with a five year old when all you want to do is lie on the couch." I can blog about "Best things to cook a five year old when you can't taste a damn thing." I can blog about "What NOT to do with a five year old when all you've done is lie on the couch." There's so many fab homeschooling blogs full of craft ideas, curriculum fun facts and kid friendly recipes. I could do my part and actually add something useful to the blogosphere rather than babble about my child's every sigh. My pathogens have left me lying about for too long. I should have plenty to say.

But do I want to say it? Double blech.

I wonder this on a weekly basis. I pause every time I move the mouse to the "publish post" button. Do I want to blog? Cuz, quick secret, I'm insanely private. I've had friends make friendly reminders about this, but I really do try to toss as much out there as possible. But its just awfully awkward for me to share outside my inner circle... the circle that hasn't changed much since I was, oh, 6 years old, give or take about 2 friends :) For instance, I don't even like having an open bookcase, because what I read feels private. Not for display. No, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not haunted by Harlequin Romances or anything. But what I study is an extension of myself. And I don't like to extend myself to just anyone :)

As you can imagine, this is an insanely tight rope for a visual artist to walk ;) I could blog for boring days on that subject.

And, likewise, blogging feels a little like inviting a reality tv camera crew into my kitchen. So, when I'm flopping about at night, blowing my Rudolph nose, feeling the weight of the words I"m behind on the blog, I'm bound to wanna banter about this weight's origin. Why, why why blog??? If I weren't to blog, I'd have so much more time to read.. hah, well, wouldn't you like to know ;)

1. I blog because: I feel guilt for living so far from family.

2. I blog because: I refuse to let distance create an "idea" of P in our families' heads. An amalgam of biannual snapshots and brief phone bits. He's a nice round character in real life, why flatten him to comic book character dimensions?

3. Add to this the radical unschooling, or consensual living, or crazy liberal vegetarian freakishness (choose your appropriate terminology) bit... and the gap would grow too big to bridge biannually.

4. I'm held accountable (by my mom, thanks mom!) when I fall behind in journaling P's life. Granted, blogging is creating a much thicker journal than my previous, skimpy Word Document posts... but that's for P's future partner to bitch about...

5. I babble in my mind, constantly, may as well babble on a blog and fulfill the first four quotas. And I tell myself that its practically private... as long as no one sees a clear picture of me, no one can tell who it is that is babbling on this particular blog... except for the four people who actually know me and read it...

6. And now we get to the nitty gritty. The bare your soul bit... (This is me, assuming anonymity in cyberspace:) I dread losing E. I miss him by the time he comes home at night (yah, he's only gone all day:). But the cancer bit slapped me around a little and built up some calluses. And I've sat with this particular worry for 20 years. That numbs it a little. And holding something tight and letting it go at the same time, well, it starts to feel normal eventually.

But I can't dread losing P because, well, gosh, it didn't work. I tried it once, knowing that this particular fear is hiding in my head's shadows. Thinking I could sit with it too, like the dread about losing E, that I could find some sorta peace with it and banish that lurking suspicion of fear. Ha. Come to find out, its absolutely impossible to imagine losing your child. So I decided that one well locked door in the mind wasn't really so very terrible :)

So that left me with just one other dread to handle proactively. P's fear of losing me. Its such a tangible issue for him that I couldn't help but feel his dread too. Now, I look both ways when I cross the street and try to eat my veggies like a good girl, but the fatalist in me couldn't shake this sneaking suspicion that, well. I figured I'd better plan for the worst and hope for the best :)

So I blog. For the first 5 reasons, for sure. But mostly as an act of love. On the off chance his worst fear comes true, there's a huge pile of words sitting around, if he's ever so inclined, so he can (hopefully!) experience my love through this dedication, after the fact. So he can (hopefully!) understand why we did things the "crazy" way we did them, if the others in his life do things differently. So he can know me, more than just hazy memories allow, from the bits and pieces I pry out of myself for display here. I blog because a mama always wants to kiss things and make them all better, even if its not possible. I blog because I don't have any idea how else to help with his greatest fear.

And I thank gawd that in a few years, his greatest fear will morph, and he'll be more concerned about getting dissed by a pout lipped love or ignored by buddies;) Then, I"ll write a nice, private, "just in case" note, staple it to that will we keep putting off, and go back to reading... well, reading whatever it is I'm reading at the time. Until then, I guess I'll blog. And hope he'll thereby know how very much we love him.