Mentoring, Mama moods and moving on...

P's been in a serious Mama Mood for the last two months. Not that he hasn't always preferred closeness (I can hear my mom chuckling, "Well, you wanted him "attached"!"), but it waxes and wanes. In fact, there was a while, in the spring, when he'd joyously join his father in the park each evening, leaving me a silent house for dishwashing. For a solitary sorta gal, it was a pretty luscious era - and the boys liked it too :)

But to every summer there is a fall :) And it gets me thinking. Independence, honestly, is a national obsession in the States. We push our babies out of our beds, off of our breasts, into the world without us, often amidst their teary objections, in hopes of creating self-sufficient adults. E and I have basically bypassed this cultural clutter so far, knowing the Little Man to be the sort to demand independence when independence is due. And we've carried and co-slept when it wasn't due. So it was interesting to watch this much heralded independence bloom (climax actually :) in Colorado. He would wander out of the cabin solo, even slept separately (in his sleeping bag on the floor) a few nights, and just generally needed me less. (This begs a comparison to the thoughts in "The Continuum Concept" and the natural inclination of our species to roam in a herd of extended family members, which was magically mimicked on our mountain vacation...) Returning to Kansas, he was likewise happy to bound out the door unaccompanied or set off in search of Grams whenever he wanted. His independence was slightly subdued there, but still bubbling around the surface...

Expand, contract, wax and wane, come and go. His flow changed :) I've wondered if there was a specific moment that moved the tide. Like I've said before, he typically takes two steps forward, one step back, with each major development. And moving away from Mama, even just a bit, is a big step for the Little Man, so its a good possibility the last two months have been his step back :)

That said, always over-analyzing here, there's a few prominent possibilities about his recent moon movement. I mean, perhaps he was simply ready for space, and now he's not. But then again, his father was around a lot in the spring, and now he's not (working a ton.) Similarly, he was surrounded by family in Kansas and Colorado, like a big safety net of love lulling him, and now he's not. Maybe the afternoon I had to leave him behind in Kansas (with his Father, Grandfather and Uncle - three men to surround him with love and attention) did a number on his little head. (My natural inclination towards guilt, of course, leans towards this possibility, but then again, maybe not...) Maybe he needs to feel that enormous safety net from massive family surroundings again, but then again, maybe not....

Because when he has been surrounded by family in Brooklyn recently, or supported by his Papa in the last two months, he hasn't been stepping out. Family visited this month and P stayed on high alert, keeping track of my every move. He wouldn't scoot away with Seth, or run too far off with Alicia. Even Grandpapa's magic wasn't enough. He won't stand for E's and my trades. (Used to be, E and I would do a trade on the weekends. I'd leave for two hours and return centered, ready for E to go do the same. P wasn't ever exactly fond of this arrangement, but he wasn't set against it either. And then, he was :)

So, maybe it wasn't him simply missing such a huge blanket of love, since even family didn't cut the mustard this month. My evolving theory is that it was a developmental quirk combined with a longing for the love blanket. There were some signs for this. He wasn't staying dry all night anymore. He had a sudden fear of monsters. The dark. Strangers. Noises from the fridge, the hall, out the window. He would become hysterical if he lost sight of me. This, from a kid who isn't jumpy or too easily dismayed. And it was, seemingly, such disproportionate misery too, lacking in any logic. It was like living with a baby without object permanence; if I turned the corner too quickly at the hardware store.... I was just gone :)

We rearranged the house. Moved a table with a light next to the (monster) closet and left it burning bright. Added a lamp to the bathroom. Switched the playroom and the dining room (which had been open to the kitchen) so that P could feel safe playing while I cooked or cleaned. I showered less and made sure P could hold my hand as much as he wanted :) E suggested we keep up our trades, but P declined. So we worked it out, the Little Man doing his best to give me space on Saturdays at the dining room table, while he rough housed in the playroom with E... with the door between us open, and frequent check-ins :)

(Just a quick aside here. I can only imagine how many eye rolls this journal entry is garnering:) Just leave yer kid already, lady!!! After all, kid's P's age are routinely in school, they sleep alone (that's why there are night-lights, duh!) Many families enjoy babysitters or nannies or date nights. Much like I mentioned in the curriculum post, every family makes the choices that are right for them (I'm just silly enough to post ours for family and friends to frown upon:) Really trusting and really listening to each other is the path this family has chosen, even when it means creating space in which monsters can be forgotten or unnamed fears can be tamed. I know that some worry that providing kids with this sacred space will scar them for life, leave them limping alongside their mothers for, like forever :) And while that thought occasionally seems plausible ;) (monkey clinging 4 year old, anyone?) I know families for which this trust thing has "worked," giving me faith in our philosophical fantasies :)

So, after being by his side nonstop for weeks and weeks, I would have thought I'd be drained empty. But, kinda surprisingly, we've had a fantastic time. As his needs escalated, we had a long chat. Did he feel safe, what did he really need? Bottom line? "Just you, Mama." :) He loves me best, I'm the most fun, I, um, smell good... the list was long and comical, but basically, I ... was even better than BB. Well, now, that puts it all into perspective :)

So I promised to do my best to meet his need to be with me. And I reminded him that Mamas have needs too. Sometimes for quiet in their head, sometimes for sleep... He got it quickly, we've had tons of discussions in the past about me needing food or the bathroom (back in the day, when we'd be playing on the floor and he'd fall apart as I finally hobbled to the loo:) I asked him to do his best to respect my needs as I work to hold his in my heart.

E, ever the devoted husband, has tried to nudge me out our door more than once during this period (part hero, part self-preservation - he didn't want me to go nutso :) Somehow, this appears to have opened a different sort of door for P. Seeing E's offers gently refused, P seems to recognize my devotion, perhaps proving to him that the safety net is intact, regardless of whatever shook it a couple of months ago. And he's returning this devotion ten fold.

For example, one day, we returned from a long afternoon and I was over-worn. I slumped down while P bounced around, suggesting our next course of action. I told him I wasn't feeling well, I needed just a minute. "What can I do to help, Mama?" I smiled and told him I'd be fine, I just needed a seat and a snack. "Let's do it! How about some honey-o's and milk, Mama? Does that sound nice? Here, sit down and I'll get it for you. No, really, just sit, I've got it!"

He pats my cheeks, runs up to give me kisses and tell me he loves me, apologizes thoughtfully, and he really, really hears me when I start a sentence with "I need...." His recent anxieties seem to be inversely related to his relationship skills. He typically doesn't seem angry anymore when we disagree. He, fairly calmly, keeps chugging, problem solving, often even smiling, connecting. Which is really, really exciting. One of my greatest parenting goals is to mentor peaceful resolution (thank gawd mentors can also mentor what its like to screw up :) I yearn for P to grow up disagreeing, even adamantly so, but without becoming disconnected from those he disagrees with; to talk to hear.

But the best is at night. His heightened anxieties leaked into the darkness. At least five times a night, he'd roll over and grab my hand, cuddle up to me, announce his latest dream, worry over a nightmare, ask a question, anything, anything to connect. But all of these interruptions started with "I'm sorry to wake you, Mama. You might be sleepy, but, blah blah blah..." and ended with "Ok, Mama, I love you, goodnight."

And then last night, having just fallen sick (ahhh, winter is coming, dammit!!!) I was trudging about, getting things ready for bed (E was gone). The Little Man watched me, asking why I was shaky :) Then, as we laid in bed to read, he rolled over, placed his little palm on my forehead and said, "Oh, Mama. You're burning up. I'm so sorry you're sick," pat, pat, cheek kiss, "maybe some sleep with help?"

Honestly, the kid has been so sweet you'd think he's been coached or something! All of these years, I've bought the mentoring story, often on the seeming solidity of the theory alone. Cuz sometimes, as I watched my two year old throw his dinner onto the floor (an action he had Never seen mentored;) I'd quietly question our approach. I'd mentor dropping a ball instead, knowing I couldn't fight his interest in gravity, but jeesh... And now I'm sold on the stuff. We've never told P to apologize, yet he does it with heart. He would consistently say "thank you" to others if he wasn't so uncomfortable (yet happy and excited) when he receives a gift - he always thanks E and I. We've never told him to give us kisses or hugs or help, and yet he does. He is so invested in this "following phase" of his existence right now, you can literally see him alter approaches slightly, just based on watching us, following us, with his eyes. Needless to say, that's some serious pressure on parents to be good and fair and patient...um, all of the time? Well, at least we get to naturally mentor apologies too :)

So, its been constant, but its also been constantly wonderful :) And then I could see the tide turning again. P started chatting with everyone and anyone again (poor checkout clerks at the co-op!) The UPS guy could hardly get back down the stoop ("I hope to see you again sometime! Bye! BYE! I hope you have a nice day!!!") P was again kosher with being down the lane from me on the busy produce aisle. He rode his papa's shoulders without straining down to hold my hand.

And then, this week, a dear friend had a book reading (check out "Crossing Washington Square," I just started it, but its a great read!) I insisted I go. P insisted he tag along. I suggested he head to the kid's section with E if he grew restless, without much attachment to that outcome ;)

Nevertheless, after listening intently, then crawling around quietly, and eventually growing restless enough to stage whisper ;) he agreed to head downstairs and meet everyone's need for a respectful audience. After the reading, as I chatted with some of my favorite mom friends, margaritas were mentioned. Wow, adult conversation! (Not to diminish the Little Man's oh so interesting discourse, of course:) Once again, P wasn't necessarily fond of this idea, but he didn't instantly fall apart either....and actually skipped away with his father :)

Ahhh, with a little patience, the tides turned again, the quirk worked its way through, the blanket's tear was sewn, and I write this now while P happily wrestles Papa in a different room;)

And so we spent an evening apart, sans tears or trauma. Despite doomsday predictions, we wont' be suction cupped to one another for forever. In all likelihood, he'll be gone much too soon....