Shame and some shots

P took some shots with my phone when we were delayed by that wreck last month.  I keep meaning to toss them up here...

Just a quick story for tonight, before I forget.  The strangest thing happened!  P found a little ball in the backyard and gleefully brought it in for me to wash.  He took to bouncing it around and asked if he could bounce it off of the walls.  I requested he play with it outside, it was too hard of a bouncy ball for indoors.  But the momentum wasn't there, it was nearing bedtime, and I knew he had been wanting me to read to him,  so I suggested I grab a chair to read on the porch while he smacked the ball against the house.  Happiness!  

So I stepped out back, grabbed the chair, walked through the house and when I hit the front door I could hear him.  Bawling.  Like, seriously, horribly, crying.  I was instantly in the front, calling to him, worried, I couldn't even see where he was.  He crept out of the bushes and covered his face.  Still crying.  So hard, I haven't seen him cry like this in forever.  

Typically, when he's crying, I just hold him. I don't bother asking him what happened or anything, because me needing to know, sans blood flow, what's going on isn't as important as him being supported right then.  But it was so out of left field and he was So Distraught, I begged him to tell me if he was hurt.  "No," he choked back and looked at me.  "You're going to kill me," he moaned and sputtered and covered his face, bawling again.  Shame.  I recognized it, finally.  He felt awful about something.  

I rocked him and held him and kissed him and reassured him and still he cried.  It lasted a long time.  I coaxed him inside (ok, I carried him;) and cradled him some more, my heart breaking that he would think I could be that upset with him.  About anything!  

I'm not an idiot, and I was once a child ;) So I'd quickly assessed the fact that there was ball play and now tears and shame.  Something must be broken somewhere ;) But he didn't want to tell me what was broken.  But yet he did.  But yet he reeeally didn't.  Each time he tried to start, he absolutely fell apart again.  "A window?" I ventured?  He looked at me in shock and hiccuped, "Noooo!"

Long story, and lots of reassurance (and time:) later, and we looked at the mirror above the couch that now wears a jagged break in the glass :)

He wanted to know how the mirror stacked up against this object and then that and then this object and then that lamp, in my heart.  How important was it?  And, he was very, very sorry.  And maybe we could glue it?  Or tape?

Honestly, I could care less about the mirror by then.  I mean, I like our stuff, some of it quite a bit more than my Buddhist leanings mean to, but the only thing that really upset me was that he was so scared to tell me.  I think I'm good, or at least ok, with accidents.  I mean, they happen.  And, typically, I grab a towel or the vacuum or the glue and we just fix what we can.  Granted, I think I scowl when the accident is a direct reaction to something I've just requested stop happening, but still...  I mean, who exploded the raw egg on the floor this morning?  If any(clumsy)one knows that accidents happen, its me...

But, obviously, I need to work on it somehow.  Because when he was trying to get up the courage to tell me his story, he looked up at me with his big, teary eyes and said, "Promise not to do anything I don't like?"  And I thought, like what?!?!  Beat you?  Time-out you?  Send you to your room??  We have no punishments here, no "consequences."  Apparently, much like research has shown, those really, truly aren't necessary...

After realizing I wasn't in tears or mad or whatever he feared, he settled onto his stool, with his eyes all puffy, and ate his evening snack.  Peppered with lots of questions.  I reassured him, again, that as long as the people (and cat! and BB! he added) in the family were safe, I was all good.  And that parents actually kinda appreciate these sorts of events.  Because we've had lots of chats about throwing stuff in the house, and none of them could be nearly as effective as tonight's real life lesson ;)  But, hopefully, he learned something even more important?  That he can come to me, no matter what...  cuz I can't think of anything more important for him to learn....  

And I certainly learned that I have to... shit!  I'm not exactly sure what I have to...  But, obviously, something needs some work here on my end. Off to figure out how to be a better parent...