If P were a dog...

The beauty of a Brooklyn mud puddle.  And two boys thoroughly covered in guck :)

Just a little developmental side-note here, how P plays in various surroundings...

When he was little (a year and a half) we had just moved here and had few friends and no real furniture (thus we did not play playdate hosts).  But we were invited to playdates where P would set, watchful and silent, on my lap.  The other toddlers would toddle about, hit one another with cars and stick stuff in their mouths.  P, would not.  He did not speak, nor did he interact with the other babes, all friends basically since birth.  One mother sympathetically told me that she had a friend who's child was late to develop too ;)  

Of course, as soon as we walked out the door the child talked non-stop in full paragraphs.  And ran.  And hit us with careening cars constantly;)  He soon figured out how to specify how much he hated these little get-togethers, and did so so adamantly and convincingly that I gave up, despite my early (and uninformed) "socialization" fears.  We would only go on social outings by group consensus.  And every time I would sneak around this rule by cajoling the kid into something I just knew he needed or would adore, I was met with the reality that no one can really scam someone into socializing :)  

But times have changed.  The kid likes other kids.  He isn't searching them out, per se, but he isn't turning them away, either.  Yet when we go to a friend's house, the child is still typically timid, relinquishing his regular air of authority to the child of the house.  He's no longer on my lap, but he's more mellow lap dog than pit bull.

On the playground or at the park, he's neutral.  Think, golden retriever.  He stands up for himself, he joins into the things he enjoys, yet quite simply steps away from anything that's bothering him.  He hasn't shown any inclination to fight for anything, but he will make his thoughts known.  I've seen him stop, mid-game, and stand firm with an outstretched "stop-sign" hand to an unknown boy that was playing with them in a really rough way.  It was a solid enough move that the kid turned away, but there was no aggression there either.  I've also seen him walk away from a group of good friends playing a game he enjoys.  As he slumped onto the grass beside me and started to dig a hole, I asked why the change?  He felt one of the kids was being really bossy to the other kids and he'd just rather do something else.  That was that.   He never asks me to interfere, never "tattles" or asks me to help him "change" the direction of a situation.  He's neutral (strong but not pushy) and autonomous in the outdoors.

And then there is play at our house.  Oy.  He loves his house, loves to share things with friends.  Almost everyone that comes into the house leaves with some type of gift that P decided to send home with them.  He loves to bring out food and feed his friends, often playing waiter.  But he is neither timid nor even neutral in this setting.  No. Labrador retriever he is not.

Aggressive.  That's the word floating in my head.  Not full on frothing doberman, but yeesh.  At least leash fighting, giant imagining, chihuahua.  Every time, it strikes me as the strangest thing.  We've had chats about it, and the Little Man tries to carefully channel it away from his buddies (well, unless there's an Uncle in the house, then they usually get the brunt of it;)  But it has to go somewhere, so P-hosted playdates usually end up with him pinning me and growling "I need to move my body!  I need to wrestle!  I need to hit something!!!!"

Erm....  His friends are nice.  They don't break his shit.  They listen to him (in as much as five year olds listen to each other regularly;)  They are a great bunch to the very last one of them.  So what is the deal?  

I don't know.  Honestly.  I know he worries his stuff will be broken, though he still invites other kids over.  I know he doesn't get as strong of a connection coming from me when others are in the house and this is a sore spot.  And I know, I know.   He's really young and there's bound to be bumps.... but some kids are calm when they have visitors!

But I also know a couple of his friends who seem to have the same tendency.  Sweet as pie at ours, friendly on the playground and possessive to aggressive on their turf.  So the kid isn't crazy.  But gawd, it can sure feel like it in the middle of a playdate ;)  

I also know he's used to big physical play.  (But here, I don't know which came first, chicken or egg.  Do we do big physical play with him to meet his needs or does he need big physical play because that's what he's used to?  I vividly remember the child needing to be bounced (BIG bounces, not little burpy ones) continuously to reach any sort of sanity when he was small, so perhaps he just really thrives on movement....  Then again, there was all of that chasing and tossing when he played with extended family, pretty much setting the standard for how he likes to play...but if he hadn't so loved to play that way, they wouldn't have done it...   Bottom line, I'd like to think it isn't our fault ;)  Cuz its so much simpler to accept your kid for who they are if you don't think you've caused the craziness.  (Because, if you are the cause, then you must be the cure too.  Parenting 101: chapter title: GUILT and Parenting, subset: How to Appease Parental Guilt.)

At any rate, until he grows through this stage or finds ways to cope that don't include pummeling me to achieve passivity, I just have to perfect my playdate transition line.  Cuz, really, what do you say to another five year old that's happily ensconced in your house?  Please drop that really fun toy and run outside before my kid starts spraying his territory?  Yah, I'm gonna have to work on that one... 

But, hey.   Baby steps.  I mean, it was just a while ago he didn't even want to play with anyone under 15.   Now he even adores toddlers.   Just moreso when they're outside his marked territory;)   Ahhh, to every age there is a season....