Goals: greatest and otherwise...

P has had a long standing goal:  to host a slumber party.  Last night, it was finally realized.  The unbelievably amazing combo of Uncle Seth and Aunt Alicia schlepped their "sleeping bags," toothbrushes and games to our flat (an entirely different experience, here in NYC, than in Kansas with your mum's station wagon...) for an evening of fun.  Despite long work weeks.  And serious cat allergies. (Yes, they seriously rock.)

The child was beside himself, waiting for the big day.  Though he adores book club (finally, a group "class" that the kid likes, who'd of thunk it, a book club?!?) he grumped en route on Friday that he wished it was evening, already....

He picked up his toys.  He played quietly in the other room while I cooked (though the 6 layer chocolate cake he imagined for his first ever sleep over never materialized... one layer had to do ;)  And then he carried plates and silverware and even requested linens (no pant swipes for guests!) and delivered muffins and crackers.  The host with the most for sure. 

When it was late and we were all yawning, the child planted himself between his Aunt and Uncle and announced he would be sleeping right. there.  Thankyouverymuch.  Well over an hour later (read: very late for little boys) he drug himself into his bed, the glow of success lighting up his purple ringed eyes.  He had stayed up late with someone other than his parents.  And despite the fact that we don't do "bedtime" per se, E and I go to bed about the same time every night... and the child wouldn't dream of staying up without us, so.... until nighttime independence hits, he effectively has a bedtime ;)  Past which, he had happily lived.  Oh the joy!

Of course, the thought of his Uncle, laying in just the next room was more than the child could bear this morning, thus waking him bright and early.  Play and happiness ensued and the child was pleased.

And exhausted.  Ohhhhh so exhausted.  Dragging his hollow little mug home from the market mid-afternoon, he declared it bedtime :)  

Of course, no child worth their spit goes to bed at 2 in the afternoon.  So he tortured us for the remainder of the day until he passed out at his normal time, tonight.

And there were numerous, numerous times today that the sudden difficult-ness challenged me.  I had to grab the words "no more slumber parties for you, mister!" from the tip of my tongue, more than once ;)  After telling him that I prefer his night-time choices not imbue our day with constant conflict... I had to just bite my tongue.  Repeatedly.

Choosing silence gave me plenty of extra time to think about how I wanted to handle these kinds of situations.  What did I think?  What was the big picture today?  What did I need to do to be the mama I want to be (other than validate his many mishaps and not strangle the child?)

And by total luck, I saw this quote tonight.  And it is just perfect.  It summarizes, exactly, my main parenting goal.  From this broad whole, of course, comes millions of tiny decisions and dogma; layer after layer of onion thin parenting practices that have to be peeled  and probed to see how they interact with this particular child and his particular personality.  Paring these back and examining each culturally culled approach, and then tossing many into the compost bin, is both painful and liberating for me.  Planting new ideas in my muddy brain and trying to nurture them to take root and become natural seems to require re-planting more often than I'd prefer...  (And maybe its just me here and many find this all easy!  Does everyone else have nice tidy, rowed plots upstairs?  Cuz, for me, holding a child as whole, helping them to deal with their growth rather than me just responding from a place of creator, from a place of corrector, from a place of my personal needs or judgements... but while still actually helping or parenting... well, that's some seriously tricky shit!)  At least when it was tough today,  I realized it was a more a rarity, rather than the rule, as it used to be.  And it gave me hope that my muddy mess upstairs will slowly form a fabulous rainforest full of purposefully planted parenting approaches.  Until then, I'll remember the marked mantra: Fake it till you make it.  Though, my mantra usually goes something more like: Just don't fuck him up....

Anyhoo, the quote:

 "My deepest goal as a parent is for my children to remain whole- to reach adulthood as fully themselves as they were the day they were born, as complete human beings who, at the time, were entirely dependent on me and highly lacking in skills and experience. It is inevitable that these complete human beings will become less dependent, that they will gain skills and experience as they go through life.  It is not inevitable that they lose their trust in themselves, their ability to love unconditionally, their connection with their own deepest joy, and their inner radiance and brilliance."

To sleep-overs and hangovers and do-overs and internal make-overs...  Its all good :)