Soooo Big

I swear the child has aged a year in the last two months.  It simultaneously makes my heart swell, and break.  When he choked on an ice cube at a family dinner a few weeks ago, his desperate little red face was heart wrenching.  After pounding him on the back, I reached down to embrace his sweet little form... and he pushed me away.  Returning to my seat, I glanced over to see his face, fighting tears, wanting to be held, but wanting even more, to keep his shit together.   Ethan later told me that it was more painful to watch him try to be strong than it was to watch him choke (which was no parade.)

We've never used the phrase "big boy" with him.  (Not even for his new bike - despite what I type for fun prose:)  Never pushed him to "act his age" or told him he couldn't do something anymore because he was "too big."  Just like pushing him to walk was never needed, we're thinking he'll become a man without parental taunting or shoving.  Its in his DNA.  And in his culture.  Especially in this culture, where the expectations laid at men's feet are huge, hairy beasts (reading "Real Boys" and Raising Cain" almost had me in tears over all of the unspoken shit boys shovel becoming men.  Most of it, wacked and entirely unnecessary.)  The kid is a kid, still.  Some days he feels big and strong, some days he wants to be held, a lot.  But, interestingly, these days, he's feeling big and strong, more and more....

Like yesterday, when E and I had an all day date.  We left after lunch and returned after a late dinner.  It was the longest we had seen each other in almost six years (and I am sending huge, huge thanks out to my family here!)  Unlike last year, the child did not cry when we mentioned running errands without him.  He chose to stay behind.  Then, when invited to go to a museum with Uncle Cash and Aunt Maria, he said yes.   There was a brief pause, as he requested we go with him, but after we mentioned errands again, he was back on board, with a grin.  As we started to leave, he skipped about the house, happily.  Then he would run to my side and ask me to stay.  Then he would be ok again and bounce off.  As we headed out the door, he followed us out, right to the car, reiterating his thoughts about us staying behind. I reminded him we were getting party prep for Gramps' bday.  He nodded and stepped back from the car with a little wave.  As we pulled away, we saw his face crunch up for a second, his little foot kick the grass, and then he turned and walked away.  When we returned (to him, scrunched up in his play house with my mother:), he'd had a splendid day:)  Without us.

And that goodbye seems to pretty much sum up this stage.

Then, I snapped this pic the other day.  We were out exploring the fields in the hundred degree heat, when he hopped out to toss a few rocks.  He looked so old standing there.  His shoulders more square, his stance more cocky, his face in a picture ready pose.  I know he's only five, but I look at this pic and feel like its only a second before he heads off to college... or whatever he ends up doing (small sob;)