A video free life...

I know this is in no way related to anything I mentioned in the previous post, but its been brewing for a while now. We've been video free for a little over three months here, and its about time for another babblingly, boring blog post anyway, so... ;) (Really, there's no way to sum up the whole subject in one post, but that won't stop me from trying...)


I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but whole life unschoolers trumpet the tv. Along with giving kids the space to listen to their own minds (research what excites them) and bodies (eat what they want (in a well informed environment!), sleep when they want etc), the kids generally watch what they want, when they want, too. And this works well for many. But I've also read posts of woe on the unschooling boards from the moms of kids that are decompressing all day, every day, in front of the tube. I also hear the standard reply. Join them in their joy. Observe what they are learning. Relax and they will too.... I've read all of the material, I get the philosophy. I also get the Waldorfian demonization of screen time. The consumption and anti-marketing issue (Watch this trailer for Consuming Kids, the Commercialization of Childhood, its a fascinating five minutes). And the middle road theory. And the research that says its addictive. That it causes ADD. The theory that it isn't addictive. That it changes brain patterns. That it will make our brains evolve in new ways. That it will make us brain-dead. That it will make us jump into ponds. The list is endless...

Cuz there's a lot of material out there on "screen time" these days. Much more than in the early '70's. Both E and I came from families that embraced the boob tube. Unlimited viewing, hampered only by school time and activities galore. Our busy parents enjoyed watching something in their downtime, the large box (sans remotes in those days!) dominating both of our family rooms growing up. So, while neither of us grew up lolling in front of the small screen (school, music lessons, friends and sports as natural deterrents) it was a constant, benign presence, peacefully available without any shameful connotations. (I had a few friends with strict one hour per day policies and thought that highly barbaric ;)

So I appreciated growing up without screen stigmas. It was just never an issue in our house. Nevertheless, our college dorm rooms didn't feature any viewing equipment. And we were always too busy studying, working or having fun to ever sit in front of the common space TV during college. So, it disappeared from our lives at age 18, never to really reappear....

Because once married, we made the conscious decision to forgo the time sucker. We started with a family loaner (both families were quietly appalled that we would live sans small screen) that slowly accumulated more and more dust. There were too many books to read, too many projects to complete, too many interesting discussions to be had. And after four years without the box, it seemed kinda silly. Contrived. The news was abysmally inaccurate. Granted, we were limited by bunny ears, there are bits of interest and even intelligence floating in over the more expensive waves ;) But we realized we wanted something else on that particular shelf, that there really wasn't any room in our lives anymore for the telly. So, when in need of entertainment or an artsy infusion, we would happily flounce off to the theater instead. Our news came from various online sources lacking in funding issues ;) We weren't anti TV, we just didn't need one ourselves.

And that was the world P was born into. The child, of course, was busy being a baby, and nonplussed on the subject.

Then he turned two and received a video for his birthday. He sat with rapt attention, viewing cartoon animals bobbing in front of his baby face. He barely blinked. Video gifts slowly leaked in over the next two years, but he rarely ever asked to watch anything, leaving our little DVD player gathering more dust. It was a fun novelty for long airplane rides and a godsend for high fevers (his or mine;). As he rounded out his fourth birthday he started to pull out his player whenever the thought struck him. But his preference was always play and I typically took the hint for what it was : P needed more of me. More floor time, less cooking. More book reading, less playdates or park times. It was a big beacon that he was either feeling under the weather or in need of story input. I appreciated such a simple sign. And while unwilling to put down external limits (forbidden fruit syndrome mixed in with consensual living theory), I also wasn't going to suddenly order satellite without a formal request. Unschoolers can trumpet the tube all they want, I still couldn't shake the few hundred ;) plus years of evolution pointing towards sticks and play as the natural learning ground for human children nor all of the various studies and theories I'd read over the years.... So we found a synchronicity that ignored the theories and focused on connection and all was well in our world.

Then, last spring, he found the DVD section at the Mulberry Street Library. Suffice it to say, this exploration was a wild journey for us. E and I trying to find ways to help P navigate the new stresses regular video viewing involved (for example, he would completely stress about returning the videos to the library, leading him to obsessively watch his weekly pick the day it was due. This was metered, a little, by trying Netflix instead. Or there was the new stress of unwanted words and actions suddenly being introduced. They came to him as if the word of god, a solid example of the outside world. Ummmm, sorry, but as I've mentioned before, I have no interest in Pixar mentoring my kid's actions. Nevertheless, there it was and there we were attempting to explain why other's don't perceive the word "stupid" as a neutral term while still attempting to relay that this doesn't mean the Little Man has to feel injured by the words of other's. A slippery and thin line to walk across with a four year old.)

Yet we embraced the newness. P's world was widening and we grinned at his excitement and tried to appreciate the novel talking points. We grinned less as he camped on the couch, barking orders for food, drink, the toilet. His temper seemed shortened. He grumped at us and was unusually demanding and angry whenever (that rare moment) we were busy. Maybe he was going through a growth spurt? Further pondering the change, I felt he wasn't getting his usual level of connection with us, his new passion usurping our usual roles as Center of the Universe.

Workarounds were again embraced. The old approach of more stories and cuddle time wasn't cutting the mustard. We spent hours reading. I tried harder to view his new loves with him, to meet his needs for connection in the space he was currently ensconced. (Honestly, this was near torture for me. I'm going on almost 20 years without a TV and a reintroduction by Clifford the Dog is enough to turn anyone off the stuff. And it didn't work anyway. The insane ability to focus that P inherited from his father prevented that...)

But I wanted P's video viewing to be about him, not about me or my worries or my fears or some study's shaky conclusions. I'd had my chance to watch whatever I wanted when I was a kid and I decided to happily walk away from it as an adult for a multitude of reasons. I have some reeeeally strong opinions about the business of television and the marketing of our children. But this was all stuff I could share with E, leaving P to his own joys.

If only it had been joyous, I woud have kept believing that story, too. But after a couple of months, there was no denying it anymore. P had became noticeably out of whack. I had recognized a difference when he first started watching stuff, but since we typically pulled out the DVD player while traveling or sick, I had always chalked the post show wonkiness up to those factors. But we weren't sick. Or traveling. And it wasn't new anymore either. He wasn't happy after he watched a show. He was quite obviously agitated in fact. Jumpy. Grumpy. Food plates, couch cuddles, debriefing sessions, wrestling breaks, nothing seemed to be mediating his media madness.

So we had a long chat, the kid and I. I told him what I observed and asked if he felt it too. He did. I asked if he wanted to hear my history with television. He was excited (he adorably loves hearing stories about E and I:) I asked him if he wanted to know why I choose not to watch television. He did. We sat at the table, talking about our reactions, our likes, our irritants. We talked about different studies and different people's opinions. Approaches friends take, family takes, and what sort of approach our family should take. Because it was obvious, even to the four year old, that something needed to change.

And so he decided to give it up at home. To have our home space be about connection and play and family. I know watching a show together can bring connection to lots of people (E and I included), it just didn't work that way for P. At least not right now. And some people are really relaxed by video viewing. This was also untrue for P (and me, actually, too!) It was uncomfortably stimulating for him. It was also uncomfortably expansive for him. I've mentioned before how much P takes in, how very little he filters. We positively cannot listen to NPR or any news stations with P around, he will spend the rest of the day worrying about wars and the carjacking in California. He will quiz us about that one drug the elderly shouldn't take. And who is elderly. And when will he be elderly. And will there be dangerous drugs for him at that time?

Movies are the same for him. He wants to know why there is a villian. Why someone would do something "wrong." Our experience with Wall-E pretty much said it all on this subject. But just to be clear, he wasn't checking out Star Wars or The Omen here. I'm talking Toy Story, people. P was absolutely mortified that Hero Buzz pushed the villain down an elevator shaft. The crowning glory? The villain claims to be Buzz's father, Star Wars style. P was beside himself with fake laughter and pointed questions as he uncomfortably replayed that scene over and over again, attempting order and sense. But why wouldn't Buzz know who his father was? Why would he push him off of the elevator? Why was his father trying to hurt him? Do fathers really try to hurt their kids???? And he would replay the scene again. This could look, to the outside observer, as if the child was actually enjoying the show, couldn't get enough of it. Not so. It upset him greatly and he was watching it again in hopes of making some sense out of it all.

Yah, I know lots of kids watch the stuff and laugh. I know.

So, once the regular brain stimulant was removed along with the regular injection of intense themes, the Little Man settled back into his life of luxury. His DVD player is in plain site, along with his video collection. We've gone to the library countless times in the last three months. Yet he has never, not Once, said he wanted to check something out. During the first week or two, when I would start dinner and he would notice my missing spot on the floor, he would mention missing movies. But in a nostalgic, that filled my time, sort of way vs an actual want. Because they had, in the last few weeks, started to fill in his time. Instead of painting or playing when I had to shower or vacuum, he would just turn on his portable tube. Without any effort on my part, the damn thing had accepted the role of vacuous babysitter. And the child had grown (surprisingly quickly!) accustomed to never filling in his own space. Once those spaces returned, he filled them beautifully and joyfully. I honestly don't know if it was this return to productivity and explosion of creativity that brought him peace or the removal of something he found overly stimulating and confusing. Either way, the whole family has benefited from his decision, P first and foremost.

Meanwhile, we offered to take him to the movie theater whenever he wanted, to have that option available in case he ever felt a void. We all felt that if it was something special, out of the house, it might work. And we wanted to support his decision while helping him to feel a sense of abundance rather than loss. That he could make such a decision without feeling deprived or unable. "Ponyo" (a Little Mermaid adaption by Miyazaki) came out a few weeks later. We had all loved "My Neighbor Totoro" with its appropriate themes and gorgeous animation, so we chatted about it extensively, watched the previews, and decided to go for it. He was excited on the way in. He was visibly upset on the way out, burying his head in my hair, refusing to talk for twenty minutes :( But he claimed to like it, to want to see it again... So a few weeks later we did. His response was watered down, but confusion still reigned. I understood. A little girl leaves her family for a new one. The father "tries to keep her in a bubble" (P's translation) and is menacing. The mother is an absentee goddess. (This, from the child's perspective. From the adult's it makes more beautiful, complicated sense.)

So we continued with our video free life. Nevertheless, I couldn't quite kick the feeling that he had given it all up too easily. He's so swayed by my thoughts, could I have, inadvertently, removed something he loved, shamed him away from something he needed to explore? So E and I offered on different occasions to take him to a couple of other shows we thought he'd like. Every time, P chose to play instead. He showed moderate interest in "Where the Wild Things Are" after two friends chatted it up. I went to preview it and knew almost immediately he would hate it (the kid bites the mother and then runs off, this would be entirely unacceptable to The Little Man ;) So I reported back and he agreed it was not his cup of tea, for now...

So here we are. Newly minted at 5, right about when I thought videos would be making a bigger and bigger footprint in our lives and we've gone the opposite direction. And, surprisingly, quite happily so :)