Phoenix: 8.5

Little Miss gets all of the updates ;)  P's changes seem slower.  His personality isn't a constant discovery these days, I guess?

But right now, he's into Survival.  We've read a few books (Aunt Alicia loaned us Hatchet, his new fave:) and this has really sparked something inside of him.  He spends vast amounts of time carting around his Survival Pack (which is, true to the collector in him, quickly morphing into about Three survival packs;), dreaming of what he would do in various dangerous situations.  Like, say, an earthquake.  (Which he is very conflicted about, telling me how he doesn't really want there to be an earthquake.  But is it really, really wrong if he dreams of there being an earthquake so that he can save us all?  As long as he knows he doesn't Truly want one to happen?  Sweet boy.)  He loves the thought of taking ALL of it on hikes.  The weight of even one of the bags tends to exhaust him just walking to the store though, so the reality...

It's funny to see him cycle.  For months it was Lego.  There were Legos all over our tables, in my kitchen drawers, surrounding the stove, under our feet, in Zia's mouth.  Everywhere, All The Time.  And now it's knives and cordage.  But this makes for fun projects between the two of us.

I think he is looking older.  His front adult teeth are almost all the way in, in all of their jagged edged glory.  He has lost his baby nose.  His long sleeve shirts are noticeably 3/4 now.  And his hair is getting really long.  He has decided to (inspired by his amazing Aunt and her gorgeous new 'do) go for natural dreads.  This appeals to him, of course, because it basically means not brushing his hair for the next year.  I love the idea of him having dreads.  I think they are adorable on little boys and the upkeep for him (since he is so devoted to his long hair staying Long) is perfect ;)  But I am not sure I will be able to handle the process and the possible judging looks if it gets toooo straggly before achieving full on dread-dom.... When I mentioned this today, he reassured me that his hair is naturally dread prone and it will be a lovely transition.

That said, I am finding myself able to separate my preferences and his for attire and style easier than I had anticipated.  I can let go of the idea that he represents my parenting.  He is starting to feel less "mine" and more his own.  If that makes any sense whatsoever?  I want him to be P, not little me and am happy to give him the space to be so.  Sometimes making that space is easy, sometimes I have to take deep breaths.  (The dreads in about 6 months may be a deep breath moment.;)

And I think he feels it a little, this separating, too.  He has become more comfortable just hanging with peers, leaving me behind on a bench with Z.  This makes for better park time for him, since toddlers (or Mamas with toddlers in tow) are slow playdates.  He didn't even hesitate when invited to play Frisbee Golf by his Aunt and Uncle.  He revels in running down the sidewalk, out of sight, with one of his buds.  This growth opens up the chance to go to Nerf Wars with other homeschoolers.  And it may, possibly, even open up a class for him next fall....

There are some fantastic outdoorsy/survival schools here.  With great instructors and awesome sounding classes.  He said he is interested in doing a class.  It would be alllll day, one day a week. We'll see, though.  When I started to sign him up, he said... not quite yet ;)  But the fact that he's entertained the thought, well, that's huge for P.

Not to stick Little Miss into *his* post, but I'm fascinated by how different they are!  Though she has been raised even MORE attachment parenty-ish than P (since I'm not torn by various ideologies this time or doubting us every five seconds;), she is obviously, inherently different; an independent little extrovert.  (Which, of course, is just more proof that AP parenting doesn't make dependent little crazies, P is just special ;) Running around the Life Is Good conference last weekend with other little kids, making friends fast, burrowing under tents out of my sight, and then chatting with strangers.  P, on the other hand, though some of his best buds were there, still spent most of the time by my side.  And when Z fell sick and I couldn't return to the conference with him Saturday, P bailed.  He wouldn't go so far out of his comfort zone if I wasn't there.

Meanwhile, the one year old, after her fever broke, ran into her father's arms to go on a hike with him.  Totally different personalities :)  And I think this is (partially) why I'm finding the second easier than the first (like I mentioned last post, not to beat a dead horse here.)  I mean, the second is easier because it's not the first, duh!  But I think the second is so much easier for me because I just was everything for the first.  He would accept no fill-ins and no breaks and was so all consuming I thought he might consume my sanity.  Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful thing to be so adored and needed, but mostly only in retrospect ;)

And though the second is easier, the first, I'm finding, is still my first and therefore still just as hard :)

Poor P, everything he goes through is a first time for E and I - he doesn't benefit from a backlog of experience like Z will/does.  Every step is a growing pain for alllll of us :)  Plus, P having Z is our first "sibling experience" (though maybe each sibling experience varies so much due to personalities that sib dances don't actually get easier?  I have no idea :), so that's a whole other area to suck at the first time around.  But we try so damn hard with him, hopefully this helps make up for our complete cluelessness...

I could write twenty blog posts on the guilt I have that I am less P's these days with Z around.  That we can't do most projects of late.  That just keeping us all on task seems to fill all of my time, leaving so very little floor wrestling and Lego building at the end of the day.  That he asked me today if I loved him or her more.  (Thank gawd infinity is infinite and there is not more than or less than there!)  But I'll save myself the time.  I don't think that's something I'm going to solve OR forget by the time he's grown and I'm re-reading this.  But just a quick note:  The guilt.  Oy, the guilt.  To be loved so very much by someone, to be so much the All for someone for so long and then to have that change out of necessity rather than choice.  Rough. emotional. ride.

P handles it differently depending on the day.  Somedays he is passionate about his sister.  I cannot get him to leave her alone.  Can hardly finish a nursing session without him messing with her.  She can't walk across the room without getting tackled by hugs or hearing him call "Zia, Zia, Look!!!"  Other days, he is angry with her so often I want to tear my hair out.

I am trying to remember to let them have their relationship.  That they recover from mis-steps faster than I do.  That they don't have to be warm and fuzzy All the damn time (though that's my dream :)  But, honestly, it got pretty ugly for a few weeks there.

P just seemed angry All The Time.  And he would even be angry with Me!  (The shock, the horror ;)  But beyond that, he would get wiiiiiild.  So wound up that when I would run to get his attention (to stave off whatever catastrophe he was whirling towards) and tried to catch his eyes, he wasn't really there.  It's hard to explain, but E was alarmed, too.

We quietly whispered about possibilities.  Worked extra hard to get Z out of the house Every Day so that P and I could chat and laugh while I did the dishes after dinner (during which time he grumped, which is totally out of his normal personality.  He's a thankful child, appreciating sunsets and flower scents and, well, usually everything!).  We made sure there were plenty of playdates and outings.  Made sure there weren't too many playdates and outings.  Nothin' doin.  We had chat after chat after chat with him about "Stop means STOP."  Or, how he only has two options when E and I tell him something (act on our declaration or talk to us about it and we'll come up with another solution.)  About how that third option he was favoring (totally ignoring everyone and doing whateverthehellhewanted) was NOT an actual option....

I'll skip the gory details and skip to the end, this week.  About a week after we dropped almonds out of his diet (again, yes, I know.)  He'd been eating almond butter and we'd been making almond milk and ice cream for the last month or two and his skin seemed find so we hoped he'd outgrown his sensitivity.  Out of sheer desperation, I quietly switched to sunbutter last week, just in case, and have watched my sweet boy return.

Tonight, after a peaceful bedtime routine and not a single bit of screaming all day, P told me he didn't feel so angry.  I told him I could tell :)  He also said that when he felt himself getting wound up, it hadn't been as hard to calm himself down.  Honestly, I just can't believe the difference.  Just in eye contact alone.  And its awesome that he is aware of it.  And the next time anyone hears that we are going to test Almonds again, could someone please slap me?

Here I'd thought we'd jumped ahead to the teen years and was totally stressing.  But ahhh, no, we still have an eight year old ;)  But he's our first eight year old, so I had no clue :)