Phoenix: 8.5

Little Miss gets all of the updates ;)  P's changes seem slower.  His personality isn't a constant discovery these days, I guess?

But right now, he's into Survival.  We've read a few books (Aunt Alicia loaned us Hatchet, his new fave:) and this has really sparked something inside of him.  He spends vast amounts of time carting around his Survival Pack (which is, true to the collector in him, quickly morphing into about Three survival packs;), dreaming of what he would do in various dangerous situations.  Like, say, an earthquake.  (Which he is very conflicted about, telling me how he doesn't really want there to be an earthquake.  But is it really, really wrong if he dreams of there being an earthquake so that he can save us all?  As long as he knows he doesn't Truly want one to happen?  Sweet boy.)  He loves the thought of taking ALL of it on hikes.  The weight of even one of the bags tends to exhaust him just walking to the store though, so the reality...

It's funny to see him cycle.  For months it was Lego.  There were Legos all over our tables, in my kitchen drawers, surrounding the stove, under our feet, in Zia's mouth.  Everywhere, All The Time.  And now it's knives and cordage.  But this makes for fun projects between the two of us.

I think he is looking older.  His front adult teeth are almost all the way in, in all of their jagged edged glory.  He has lost his baby nose.  His long sleeve shirts are noticeably 3/4 now.  And his hair is getting really long.  He has decided to (inspired by his amazing Aunt and her gorgeous new 'do) go for natural dreads.  This appeals to him, of course, because it basically means not brushing his hair for the next year.  I love the idea of him having dreads.  I think they are adorable on little boys and the upkeep for him (since he is so devoted to his long hair staying Long) is perfect ;)  But I am not sure I will be able to handle the process and the possible judging looks if it gets toooo straggly before achieving full on dread-dom.... When I mentioned this today, he reassured me that his hair is naturally dread prone and it will be a lovely transition.

That said, I am finding myself able to separate my preferences and his for attire and style easier than I had anticipated.  I can let go of the idea that he represents my parenting.  He is starting to feel less "mine" and more his own.  If that makes any sense whatsoever?  I want him to be P, not little me and am happy to give him the space to be so.  Sometimes making that space is easy, sometimes I have to take deep breaths.  (The dreads in about 6 months may be a deep breath moment.;)

And I think he feels it a little, this separating, too.  He has become more comfortable just hanging with peers, leaving me behind on a bench with Z.  This makes for better park time for him, since toddlers (or Mamas with toddlers in tow) are slow playdates.  He didn't even hesitate when invited to play Frisbee Golf by his Aunt and Uncle.  He revels in running down the sidewalk, out of sight, with one of his buds.  This growth opens up the chance to go to Nerf Wars with other homeschoolers.  And it may, possibly, even open up a class for him next fall....

There are some fantastic outdoorsy/survival schools here.  With great instructors and awesome sounding classes.  He said he is interested in doing a class.  It would be alllll day, one day a week. We'll see, though.  When I started to sign him up, he said... not quite yet ;)  But the fact that he's entertained the thought, well, that's huge for P.

Not to stick Little Miss into *his* post, but I'm fascinated by how different they are!  Though she has been raised even MORE attachment parenty-ish than P (since I'm not torn by various ideologies this time or doubting us every five seconds;), she is obviously, inherently different; an independent little extrovert.  (Which, of course, is just more proof that AP parenting doesn't make dependent little crazies, P is just special ;) Running around the Life Is Good conference last weekend with other little kids, making friends fast, burrowing under tents out of my sight, and then chatting with strangers.  P, on the other hand, though some of his best buds were there, still spent most of the time by my side.  And when Z fell sick and I couldn't return to the conference with him Saturday, P bailed.  He wouldn't go so far out of his comfort zone if I wasn't there.

Meanwhile, the one year old, after her fever broke, ran into her father's arms to go on a hike with him.  Totally different personalities :)  And I think this is (partially) why I'm finding the second easier than the first (like I mentioned last post, not to beat a dead horse here.)  I mean, the second is easier because it's not the first, duh!  But I think the second is so much easier for me because I just was everything for the first.  He would accept no fill-ins and no breaks and was so all consuming I thought he might consume my sanity.  Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful thing to be so adored and needed, but mostly only in retrospect ;)

And though the second is easier, the first, I'm finding, is still my first and therefore still just as hard :)

Poor P, everything he goes through is a first time for E and I - he doesn't benefit from a backlog of experience like Z will/does.  Every step is a growing pain for alllll of us :)  Plus, P having Z is our first "sibling experience" (though maybe each sibling experience varies so much due to personalities that sib dances don't actually get easier?  I have no idea :), so that's a whole other area to suck at the first time around.  But we try so damn hard with him, hopefully this helps make up for our complete cluelessness...

I could write twenty blog posts on the guilt I have that I am less P's these days with Z around.  That we can't do most projects of late.  That just keeping us all on task seems to fill all of my time, leaving so very little floor wrestling and Lego building at the end of the day.  That he asked me today if I loved him or her more.  (Thank gawd infinity is infinite and there is not more than or less than there!)  But I'll save myself the time.  I don't think that's something I'm going to solve OR forget by the time he's grown and I'm re-reading this.  But just a quick note:  The guilt.  Oy, the guilt.  To be loved so very much by someone, to be so much the All for someone for so long and then to have that change out of necessity rather than choice.  Rough. emotional. ride.

P handles it differently depending on the day.  Somedays he is passionate about his sister.  I cannot get him to leave her alone.  Can hardly finish a nursing session without him messing with her.  She can't walk across the room without getting tackled by hugs or hearing him call "Zia, Zia, Look!!!"  Other days, he is angry with her so often I want to tear my hair out.

I am trying to remember to let them have their relationship.  That they recover from mis-steps faster than I do.  That they don't have to be warm and fuzzy All the damn time (though that's my dream :)  But, honestly, it got pretty ugly for a few weeks there.

P just seemed angry All The Time.  And he would even be angry with Me!  (The shock, the horror ;)  But beyond that, he would get wiiiiiild.  So wound up that when I would run to get his attention (to stave off whatever catastrophe he was whirling towards) and tried to catch his eyes, he wasn't really there.  It's hard to explain, but E was alarmed, too.

We quietly whispered about possibilities.  Worked extra hard to get Z out of the house Every Day so that P and I could chat and laugh while I did the dishes after dinner (during which time he grumped, which is totally out of his normal personality.  He's a thankful child, appreciating sunsets and flower scents and, well, usually everything!).  We made sure there were plenty of playdates and outings.  Made sure there weren't too many playdates and outings.  Nothin' doin.  We had chat after chat after chat with him about "Stop means STOP."  Or, how he only has two options when E and I tell him something (act on our declaration or talk to us about it and we'll come up with another solution.)  About how that third option he was favoring (totally ignoring everyone and doing whateverthehellhewanted) was NOT an actual option....

I'll skip the gory details and skip to the end, this week.  About a week after we dropped almonds out of his diet (again, yes, I know.)  He'd been eating almond butter and we'd been making almond milk and ice cream for the last month or two and his skin seemed find so we hoped he'd outgrown his sensitivity.  Out of sheer desperation, I quietly switched to sunbutter last week, just in case, and have watched my sweet boy return.

Tonight, after a peaceful bedtime routine and not a single bit of screaming all day, P told me he didn't feel so angry.  I told him I could tell :)  He also said that when he felt himself getting wound up, it hadn't been as hard to calm himself down.  Honestly, I just can't believe the difference.  Just in eye contact alone.  And its awesome that he is aware of it.  And the next time anyone hears that we are going to test Almonds again, could someone please slap me?

Here I'd thought we'd jumped ahead to the teen years and was totally stressing.  But ahhh, no, we still have an eight year old ;)  But he's our first eight year old, so I had no clue :)

Zia: Her 18th Month. And now, her 19th, too...;)

Ok, I've said it before, but I'm gonna say it again, I cannot Believe how much a baby can change in a month.  Wowsah.

So, it seems the tantrums, the flings to the floor, have subsided.  Disappointments still happen, of course, but Z seems to be establishing a more solid grasp on how life flows and doesn't experience utter shock when extension cord chewing is eschewed.  This is so nice :)  There was a brief blip (that seemingly lasted forever;) where we felt a tad tied to the homestead, as every library, grocery store or sidewalk outing could (would) end in serious sadness.  (Oh to run in the street, rip all of the books off of the shelves or play on someone else's porch!  Where is the Freedom???)

In other words, she gets it (at least, sometimes she gets it. This morning's outing an obvious exception...). And she luuuuuuuuuvs to play, so, (assuming I'm rested enough to have my wits about me) almost all ills can be avoided with games and silly songs. P was often such a serious sort at this age (which I loved), but I'm finding her hammy huge laughs and her purposeful mis-steps hilarious and fun and new.  This child LOVES to laugh.

But what's really new, is how she handles disappointment. It is heartbreaking and adorable and I'm trying to not overthink it here... Once surly in the face of brotherly growls, an oak tree barely blown by any angry P yells, she has become super sensitive the past month. Like, SUPER sensitive. She cannot stand being growled at and will run, yelling "Noooooooooo" until she is behind my legs (yes, he seems to enjoy that. Sigh.) And if he yells "No!" at her? OMG. Same reaction as when, last night, she grabbed something off of our kitchen floor (later established to be a piece of very dry cheese...) and

Oy. This has been sitting for weeks. She seems to have actually outgrown this habit before I even finished blogging about it :). If that isn't a statement in futility here...

At any rate, she did a heartbreaking run to a corner or a head bury in the nearest couch for a few weeks whenever she felt (even the slightest) upset. She seems to be recovering her tenacity quite nicely, as she now favors, for instance, growling "Baby, NO!" in a demented gremlin voice whenever she sees a child doing something that crosses her. Gotta say, the sensitive pout was much more endearing. But I worry less about her future seeing her strength shine :)

Which leads me to a quick confession. I've realized I'm doing a bit of a backwards sexism thing in my parenting that makes me pause. Subconsciously responding to strength in her and sensitivity in him. When she smacks her brother (always after ample warning that she was Not enjoying his tactics) I almost silently shrug and think, well, she warned ya, don't touch her if she doesn't want it! Twisted. I know. I'm working on it.

Haha. Third try at this post!

She turns 20 months today. Holy crikey.

So, at this age, Zia is..... Fast. Tall. Talkative. Continually mistaken for a two (plus) year old. Which can be hard, since, well, she's not :). She loves to play with other kids (an obvious departure from P's toddlerhood, er, entire early childhood;) and almost obsessively asks for Papa to take her to to the playground.

Of which she has three in rotation. And if he heads towards the one she isn't thinking of (she knows the neighborhood like the back of her tiny hand) she will shout, "No! The other one!" Once arrived, she favors the slides. And vacillates between gremlin voice ownership of the structures and attempted toddler adorability (by sliding up beside another kid and smiling, "Hi, Baby! Babble babble babble" (which said baby (no one, really) can yet translate.)

This week, she adores her father. It seems to be cyclic. Some weeks, going away with him is a big ol' NO. Then it cycles and she runs into his arms with her throaty "Papa!!!!!" And coyly turns to me and winks, "Bye-bye." Yah, I've been dismissed :). Or how she wakes up and the first thing she asks (every morning) is, "Where'd Papa go?"  Funny to see her vacillate back and forth with growth spurts and teething and colds etc. What I really, really want is a picture of E's face when she is running towards him with her arms wide. My heart seizes up at his happiness. Love. It.

She also loves her baby doll, now named Baby Mine. She very much likes to take Baby Mine on walks in P's old stroller (which she is just a titch small to operate smoothly...)  She loves riding her wheely bug cow, stacking Ian and Kendra's blocks, bustling about the play kitchen... and making messes.

Really, that about sums it up. She spends a seemingly small amount of time with toys, typically just getting into whatever is lying around and making enormous messes with it. She loves to open our low food cupboard and take all of the food out and put it in our shopping bag. She screams bloody murder if something doesn't fit. She takes the glass jars out and sets them all over the kitchen floor. I walk back in and, not noticing the CLEAR objects on the floor, trip and watch them roll everywhere.  She loves chase and giggle and closing doors (oh the power) and moving chairs to climb onto everything and she most especially likes to go on walks.

What else...  The nitty gritty, food, sleep, shit...  Some days she takes herself to the potty and I hear her yell from the other room, "I pee! Yay!!!"  Then she excitedly runs and dumps her wee potty pan in the big toilet, cheering for herself.  Other days she is insulted by the very idea. She has the concept, I think, as she walks around the house, pointing to various places, "No pee on that, no pee on that, no pee on That..."  And then points to the potty and says, "Pee on THAT!"  So, I'm hopeful we are getting closer to fewer accidents while simultaneously realizing she is only one and a half...

She hasn't eaten much the last two months.  Mostly just masticating whatever we give her and spitting it out.  I mean, she eats some sometimes, but it has been a definite departure.  Then just as her last molar is erupting and she turns twenty months, just in the last few days she has started Chowing Down.  Coincidence?  I dunno, but I love that I don't worry about every little change with the second, trusting she isn't chewing and swallowing for a reason, waiting for it to change, cuz it always does...   Wow the second time is so much easier for me:)

Food as far as allergies?  Oy.  Still figuring.  I've dropped pork and coconut for the month and her face rash has slowly but surely started to heal, so I'm going to trial coconut back in this week.  I'm fine without pork (it was just for P) and will probably skip it and move on to something else...  Beans, maybe?  Or , ooooo, I think I"ll try sunflower seeds...  Always optimistic her gut is healing :)  Especially with this week's addition:  potatoes!!!!  I tried them last month and she had explosive diarrhea and horrrrrid stomach pains.  But there was a flu going around and I was hopeful it was a coincidence... this week no problem!  P is jumping for joy and we are having his favorite soup tonight!  Poor kid, always having to worry about his sis's limitations.  Poor sister, always seeing her hero eat shit she can't.  Food issues and multiple kids Suck.

OH!  And Speech.  She is loving the talking.  And we love that, though there is still a ton we don't get ;)   I don't sign with her too much these days.  She still uses the signs she's learned, but we're tending to add words now, instead of signs.  Her verbal skills sometimes shock me.  She speaks in lots of 4 word sentences.  Like, "I go bye-by Papa."   And, true to her really, really communicative nature, she will then expand on exactly what she meant by that.  "Walk, ME, and Papa.  Bye-bye!"  One night, about a month ago, she suddenly started parsing pronouns.  E and I were just sitting there, with our mouths kinda hanging open.  "I."  And she pointed to herself.  "Me."  And she pointed to herself again.  "I, me, Zia."  Then she pointed at E and said, "He.  Papa.  You."  Ummm, yah, kid, that's right....  You know you're only a year and a half, right?  Could you slow the EFFF down, please?

Wow, I WILL post this today, a month or so after starting it...

What was left that I wanted to note...  Sleep.  Has been horrible the last two months.  She's been getting in her molars and her canines all at once and (apparently) notices the pain most at night.  Which leads to lots and lots of night nursing.  (And day nursing too, since she wasn't really eating much...)  She also seems to have a really active dream life, which is interrupting her sleep.  She wakes up talking about her dreams or calling out complaints ("Mine!!  I want it!" lol) about what is happening in her dream.  But just in the last week or so, she slept a couple hours a few times and I think once she kicks the cold that has tackled her this weekend (ahh, can I just admit to almost shaking with stress when her fever started to climb?  No seizures though :) she may just be ready to sleeeeeeep!

She's still napping each afternoon, though she has started to disagree with the idea some days.  I wonder if she'll stop napping really early like P did.  She already only sleeps about 12 hours in a 24 hour period (a couple hours short for her age, but it is really all she seems to be able to clock - and she wakes up happy and ready to rumble:)  P will be simultaneously devastated and elated when she drops her nap.  He really needs that focused time with me each afternoon (though poor Z never gets focused time with me, sigh) but being tied to the house each afternoon really limits his social life.  She is a horrible out and about napper (P rocked it in the Ergo!), so we plan everything around being home for it (and not being en route home for it, as she is, apparently, the only baby on earth that absolutely, positively hates sleeping in her car-seat...)  I guess we'll see how it goes when it goes :)

This is a babbly boring post, I know.  Too much for one post, really, but I haven't been taking the time to make frequent little posts...  I want to remember each and every little thing and that makes for a fairly unorganized and dull blog, thought I think all of my readers have abandoned ship and I am now just journaling for the future...

I just don't want her baby-hood to careen into the void, unwritten and forgotten!  Especially since I am finding her babyhood (fine, toddlerhood:) absolutely awesome.  I just adore her.  She is an ornery little lightning bolt who can be so sweet and caring it kills me.  And I am enjoying this toddlerhood in a way that I didn't with my first...  Insert guilt.  Not that I didn't love little P, (Obviously!!!) just that the adjustment to his total tyranny over my every moment was really rough and the sleep deprivation/insomnia/first-time-mamahood/cancer/multiple moves combo painted a thin veil of stress over the whole period.  I'm settled in this time and just able to enjoy the ride.

And though two (as I realized when E took her hiking and I only had P the other day and suddenly felt like I was on vacation) is just immeasurably more than one, I also love the two kid dynamic.  P points out (pretty regularly) how much easier life was as an only.  And it's a really astute realization.  Everything is a challenge at this age.  If he leaves his stuff lying around, she will get into it.  If he tries to set up a game or display, she will get into it.  If he wants to read a book with me, she will make this impossible.  And as of the last month, I feel like a sports referee.  Which is Exactly why I always said I would only have One.  And, silly, silly, woman, I thought the age gap would deter such frustrations.  But, honestly?  I think you put a semi-verbal toddler into any situation and somebody is going to feel like pulling their hair out (or will get their hair pulled out...)  And, honestly?  Having two little bodies to love this fiercely makes up for the fighting.

So P has some bald(ish) spots ;)  And we all may be slightly deaf (oy, her shriek is shockingly powerful.)  But by the grace of older age, E and I are laughing this time around.  And I absolutely LOVE looking at him as she chucks her carrot soup across the room (or stands atop a board book and suddenly (even seeming to surprise herself) pisses all over it) and seeing his eye twinkle, while he sighs and reaches for some rags. Parenting with him the second time around rocks, too.  We don't have to hash through all of the "approaches" or wade through what we grew up with and what we've read and what we've imagined.  I guess, to sum up a very long (picture-less to boot! (isn't that what Instagram is for?;)) post, I'm enjoying aging.  Especially surrounded by the people whom are aging with me.